Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Statist Of The Union Address

Barack Obama will be delivering his first official State of the Union address soon. (He's already delivered two unofficial ones this year.)

I don't know what's in it. Probably Obama doesn't either since it hasn't scrolled across the teleprompter yet. But I can make some good guesses about the type of delusion-inspired froth he'll pour on the American public, at least the fifty or sixty thousand masochists who will bother to watch.

Here's a thumbnail sketch with my guesses:
"First, a shout out to my buddies in the Indian Tribes, CAIR, and the Earth Firsters. Now on to business, if you'll pardon the term.
  1. Auto Companies — GM and Chrysler nationalized to aid Unions. Two out of three ain't bad. Be patient, Andy. Good things come to he who waits... with a tire iron in the shadows.

  2. Financial services — TARPed but not yet fully smothered. A work in progress, progressing well. Thanks for getting the ball rolling George, but we really couldn't have done it without Alan and Ben. Big Hat tip to Woodrow Wilson for creating the Federal Reserve, another to FDR (and a little one to Nixon) for eliminating the gold standard.

  3. Health insurance — on the cusp of being all sewed up. (Never mind about that pesky election in Massachusetts. A minor setback.) A good, solid B+, Harry and Nancy.

  4. Dominance of the media and demonization of critics — another solid, B+ effort, except no single body can really take credit here (not even me, for once). This has been in the works for over 50 years. Thanks everybody anyway, starting with Edward R. Murrow and moving on right (forgive the term) through to Katie, Krugman, and the rest of the crew. I mean, gosh, we've even got David Frum carrying water for us.

    Yes, there is that pesky talk radio and a few websites on the Internet that make a lot of noise. But we'll take care of them in a few years. In the meantime, they're having about as much actual effect on events as a whore begging her pimp to take a smaller cut and beat her only every other day.

    And, anyway, when it comes right down to it, all but a handful across the spectrum are largely clueless. Many know how to complain, alright, but have no idea how to change anything. They'll never figure it out so long as they think the problem is excess spending or too many elitists running the show. Be of good cheer, my friends.

  5. Still on the agenda: Hobbling [Jeez, guys, can't you proofread the teleprompter material a little better...] Greening energy production. We'll get there, too, crew. In the short term, we just have to maintain the statist [Oops... there you go again...] status quo.

    In the long term, by removing the last vestiges of objectivity and independent thinking from public education, we'll ensure a permanent class of lumpenproletarians unable to challenge anything on this front. (Don't worry overmuch about those Climategate emails, or a few IPCC slip-ups. There are bound to be a few small setbacks along the way.)

    Sure, both these issues have been simmering on a slow boil for 100 years, so a little impatience is understandable. But in the past 30 years we've seen tremendous progress. It takes a long time to completely destroy the two fundamental things Americans rely on: the physical environment and the mental zeitgeist. Big changes take a little longer. But we're almost there.

  6. Well, I could go on forever — as you know. But that's enough for tonight. After all, I have to save something for the upcoming 300-odd chats I'll be having with America over the coming year, during which they'll no doubt continue to misunderstand how terrific everything I advocate really is. But I know you guys in Congress get it. Thanks for that. It's a real spirit-lifter after a date night with— Well, better end here. 'Night all."

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